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2011-02-12 1-20-37-
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My diary in the last three days Monday: Just phone sex Taopi MN so you know-- I never seem to get anything you ever send in the order in which you sent them. I understand you sent this Saturday. I cant say that we would never be together, because you really just never know what the future will bring. The things that we would both need to move past will take more than a few weeks or months to heal. Honestly, if you would have treated me in the beginning, the way you treated me when we already split.......its likely I would have wanted nothing more than a ring on my finger sooner than later. But we cant change our past, we can only hope for the best possible future. We BOTH have learning to do, this relationship has taught me some very hard lessons. I have learned I am really pretty naïve, I really haven’t had a lot of dating experience, and I now know to trust my gut. I feel you absolutely want nothing more than to have someone love you. To love all of you. The good, the past, the present since that makes you who you are.... and if you truly love who you are-- you have to love the not-so-happy parts of you and your life since those experiences helped to mold you into that person you are today. I don’t know if you are mistaking my desire to help you through this as an interest in getting back together, I just want you well and I want you to succeed. that’s what love is to me. Wanting whats best for the person you love, regardless of whether or not they are in your life or not. You want to make them smile and make them not hurt, regardless of what that does to you. As a friend I want to make your hurt stop- I want to help you nurse your eye because I love you. The desire for wanting to do these things will never change, will never leave and will always be yours as your friend. This was originally started as an email and I have changed it into a diary. Whether or not you will ever read these words, I don’t know. But as is my therapy I like to get them out into the universe. TUESDAY: Another day- Another drop in the bucket. I still miss you and I stopped myself from stopping by last night. I stop myself because I know the day/night I decide to come by, you wont be there and then all the bad things I thought will have come to fruition. I keep telling myself to hold on. To survive this crappy pain, to not fold, to not be the idiot for taking you back yet again. How in the world does a “strong” woman cave and forgive a cheating man? Why would I believe that “this” time will be different? I thought we were “rare” when we started dating- when my heart was all in…. and now I have no idea what holds me to you. While a lot of men need to feel loved by “someone”- I am trying to convince myself that I am strong enough alone but the road is hard, so instead, I become a slave to the metal and I bike to no where and I come home to an empty house. Does that make me stronger or harder, or just a cold lifeless shell? TODAY Another tough today. Its only the early morning and I have found myself scouring some old emails to embrace myself with all the right words you seem to know. You know how to make me think- how to make me second guess my decision to remain without you. I tried to find a 85092 clip of you but instead found so many of your cute little interviews. And that sucked really super dooper hardcore. If it were meant to be, you will be there later. I have decided to reconsider things after march of next year. I know that’s random and so far away but if by chance we are still single, and if by chance we both still feel the same way perhaps maybe at that time I can reconsider the things it will take to restore that bond and trust. MAYBE. Lol--- love you. I want to cry.
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